Journey into the unknown

 If you’re here, then odds are you’re from my FB page and curious to see how my journey goes. Or you’re waiting for me to epically crash and burn for the lolz. If you’ve somehow wandered here from Google idk what to tell you. 

This is to be my journal for the next six weeks as I undergo TMS. If you don’t know what that is go look it up, I’ll wait. For those too lazy, it’s basically getting my brain beat with magnets. It’s supposed to wake up the part of the brain that has depression while chilling out the part of the brain that causes anxiety. That’s the theory at least. I’ve been doing a lot of research (ok I’ve been on Reddit) seeing how this has worked for other people. Gotta say, it’s a mixed bag. 

Some have reported that it changed their lives. With a 60% remission rate, I gotta believe it. Some said it helped somewhat. Others reported that it made their anxiety much worse. Not a big fan of that outcome. So to say I’m going into this with some trepidation would be an understatement. But something’s gotta give. The older I get the worse everything is. On my bad days I’m either too anxious to leave the house or I’m too depressed to move my ass off the couch to even clean the damn house. My “normal” days I still have the vibration of anxiety running through me despite the medications. But through straight up self discipline I make myself go through my routine. Feed the dogs, clean the house, pickup kids from school and cook dinner. I force myself to get these basic ass things done. 

But ironically, that’s not the whole problem. I get the lows and the anxiety, but I never get happiness or joy. I can’t get excited over anything. Things that brought me joy can only get me to a “meh” now. Too many vacations I should be having the time of my life but I can’t feel anything. And I can’t keep living without some ups in my life. 

So after almost every drug on the market and 5 straight years of therapy, I’m gonna let strangers magnetize my brain. Because why not? I’ve put in the work and nothings changing. I’ve got to put my faith in something. 

So here’s to my journey. May it be everything I’ve been hoping for, even if that something is just getting excited to go to the Asian market again. 

I start April 15th for mapping my brain and straight into treatment the next day for the next 6 weeks. 5 days a week, no breaks. May you find this at least educational, if not unintentionally hilarious. 

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