TMS: Day 11

 I really debated sharing this, but if I’m gonna document then I’ve got to be real about it. 

I’ve hit a TMS “dip”. While the magnets are doing their thing it’s kind of causing chaos in my brain. I get emotional at random and over the dumbest stuff. I cried for like 10 minutes during the last Last of Us episode. While wonky, not too out of the park as it was an emotional episode. Then the next day I burst into tears when Free Bird came on my radio. Not even a theory on that one, just random AF. 

But for the darker side, I’m angry. Depression has been so present in my life for so long that I forgot what my default is. And it’s anger. For the past few days I’ve been so irritable I can’t stand to be near myself. I’m angry about everything, things that shouldn’t even matter. A new thing to work on in therapy I guess. Thankfully my treadmill should be arriving today. Running has always been cathartic. I’m doing my best not to lash out at everyone around me but it’s hard. And I feel guilty for being so angry. But I can’t help it. All I can do is bite my tongue till it bleeds to keep from hurting those around me. 

I know this will probably pass as the magnets do their thing to rewire my brain. But for something that takes 18 minutes a day it’s really taking its toll right now. Retraining a brain is a difficult thing and I’ll stick with it, but god it’s so hard sometimes. 

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