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TMS: Day 36

 Final post!..maybe? I might update how well the treatment holds up until I need to do it again. So day 36. I meant to post more but real life responsibilities got in the way for a while there. I’ve taken on more stuff than I have before, so I guess the treatment did something. I have more energy, but still not where I wanna be yet. I have suspicions, so I’m working on that angle for now. I’m definitely less depressed, although Bill says I’m meaner. I think that may be because treatment brought all the emotions to the surface, rather than them being buried and causing issues. I’m trying to be mindful of that, but everything is just in the open now. It really didn’t do shit for my anxiety unfortunately. The only improvements there I think were more related to me being forced to keep a schedule and get out of the house everyday. At the end of the day, I accomplished my major goal which was to pull me out of that numb depression I was in. Depressive episodes are much shorter and not q...
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TMS: Day 17

 I screwed up the count and forgot to subtract the weekends. It’s actually day 17.  It’s working but not in ways I anticipated. I’m not in a thick fog anymore, but it’s really overcast. Instead of being numb, now I’m feeling everything. And not in a good way. Hurt and depression have claws again and it hurts. I’ve lost the ability to mask my way through it. I don’t want to talk about it either. Nothing I can say or do will make it better. Easier to just bite my tongue until it bleeds and it passes. The doc says this is just a dip and it’ll go away. But while I’m in it everything hurts like hell.  Nothing to do but wait it out. 
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TMS: Day 11

 I really debated sharing this, but if I’m gonna document then I’ve got to be real about it.  I’ve hit a TMS “dip”. While the magnets are doing their thing it’s kind of causing chaos in my brain. I get emotional at random and over the dumbest stuff. I cried for like 10 minutes during the last Last of Us episode. While wonky, not too out of the park as it was an emotional episode. Then the next day I burst into tears when Free Bird came on my radio. Not even a theory on that one, just random AF.  But for the darker side, I’m angry. Depression has been so present in my life for so long that I forgot what my default is. And it’s anger. For the past few days I’ve been so irritable I can’t stand to be near myself. I’m angry about everything, things that shouldn’t even matter. A new thing to work on in therapy I guess. Thankfully my treadmill should be arriving today. Running has always been cathartic. I’m doing my best not to lash out at everyone around me but it’s hard. And I...
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TMS: Day 5

It’s been a whole week so far, so let’s check in on how it’s going.  After talking with my tech, I found out that they are slowly increasing the voltage(?) every day. So that’s why it initially stings at first then settles down into just tapping. Today the electricity exited by my nose, so I felt like I had to sneeze for 18 minutes straight. Fun times. But by the end of this I better be cured or Lord Raiden. I promise to use my powers for entertainment purposes only. That is, my entertainment lol.  No more headaches, but I’m lacking that boost of energy that I was getting from it before. Maybe I’m adjusting to it or maybe it’s shark week screwing the data. We’ll know next week. But right now I’m just tired as hell.  But previous to that, I was getting shit done. I’ve started on projects that I’ve been putting off and started building a cosplay for Tampa Comic Con. I had to retake the PH9 (the mental health questionnaire for those unfamiliar) and I’ve got to retake it ever...
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TMS: Day 1

 Ever seen “Scanners”? It’s a lot like that but with less head exploding.  Today was my first full session and I gotta tell you it hurt. Like a lot. As promised I didn’t flail around, but my sinuses felt like they were being electrocuted every 10 seconds. And that someone was sticking a bunch of dull needles in my brain. My nurse promises by next week that will go away and it’ll just feel like I’m being poked. God I hope she’s telling the truth or this will be a long six weeks.  My particular machine is called Neurostar. This is important because it’s the only one officially approved by the FDA and has been vigorously tested. They’re the only ones who actually map your brain. The others just stick a disc on the side of your head and call it a day. The way the machine works is I get zapped for 8 seconds, then a 10 second break. This goes on for about 20 minutes, which seems like a long time but goes by really fast.  Side effects today are a really annoying tension lik...
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TMS: Day 0

 So that was kind of weird.  Today was the mapping. Basically they sat me in the chair and zapped my frontal lobe until I was the right amount of twitchy? It was up too high the first go round and I almost punch myself in the face. Bill is disappointed he didn’t get that on video. He did get pictures of me flipping him off however.  The twitchy thing is apparently not an ongoing thing, just for mapping which is a relief. I don’t think I could sit for 20 minutes daily flailing around like Kermit the Frog. As for side effects, pretty minimal. I swear the room got brighter for some reason. Nobody really had an answer for that one. No headache, but considering the whole thing was done in less than 10 minutes maybe I just didn’t have time to develop one. Did feel kinda disoriented after for about 10 or so minutes. Kinda like everything was slightly to the left.  Asked the nurse about a million questions, most which are irrelevant here. But the takeaway is that I could see...
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Journey into the unknown

 If you’re here, then odds are you’re from my FB page and curious to see how my journey goes. Or you’re waiting for me to epically crash and burn for the lolz. If you’ve somehow wandered here from Google idk what to tell you.  This is to be my journal for the next six weeks as I undergo TMS. If you don’t know what that is go look it up, I’ll wait. For those too lazy, it’s basically getting my brain beat with magnets. It’s supposed to wake up the part of the brain that has depression while chilling out the part of the brain that causes anxiety. That’s the theory at least. I’ve been doing a lot of research (ok I’ve been on Reddit) seeing how this has worked for other people. Gotta say, it’s a mixed bag.  Some have reported that it changed their lives. With a 60% remission rate, I gotta believe it. Some said it helped somewhat. Others reported that it made their anxiety much worse. Not a big fan of that outcome. So to say I’m going into this with some trepidation would be an...
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