Hozier and other mental illness

 I screwed up the count and forgot to subtract the weekends. It’s actually day 17.  It’s working but not in ways I anticipated. I’m not in a thick fog anymore, but it’s really overcast. Instead of being numb, now I’m feeling everything. And not in a good way. Hurt and depression have claws again and it hurts. I’ve lost the ability to mask my way through it. I don’t want to talk about it either. Nothing I can say or do will make it better. Easier to just bite my tongue until it bleeds and it passes. The doc says this is just a dip and it’ll go away. But while I’m in it everything hurts like hell.  Nothing to do but wait it out. 

 I really debated sharing this, but if I’m gonna document then I’ve got to be real about it.  I’ve hit a TMS “dip”. While the magnets are doing their thing it’s kind of causing chaos in my brain. I get emotional at random and over the dumbest stuff. I cried for like 10 minutes during the last Last of Us episode. While wonky, not too out of the park as it was an emotional episode. Then the next day I burst into tears when Free Bird came on my radio. Not even a theory on that one, just random AF.  But for the darker side, I’m angry. Depression has been so present in my life for so long that I forgot what my default is. And it’s anger. For the past few days I’ve been so irritable I can’t stand to be near myself. I’m angry about everything, things that shouldn’t even matter. A new thing to work on in therapy I guess. Thankfully my treadmill should be arriving today. Running has always been cathartic. I’m doing my best not to lash out at everyone around me but it’s hard. And I...